In some parts, I’m a philandering SOB, not worth the time of day.
This is because I admitted to having an affair. I wasn’t compelled or forced to confess. I just laid it all on the table one night, when I was talking privately with my wife about the status of our marriage.
As to why, well, there are many reasons, including being unappreciated, taken for granted, and, for several years, being verbally abused by her.
Enough was enough, as far as I was concerned. I laid it on the line, not caring if she threw me out of the house.
But she didn’t.
Which made me wonder if she hadn’t racked up an affair or two by the time we had that talk.
My experience, and subsequent divorce, made me take notice of a book that was released in March, entitled, Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray, published by Simon & Schuster. The author is named “Anonymous,” and he’s described on Amazon.com as a journalist who “spent a decade investigating the topic of men and infidelity.” He’s married with three children.
“Anonymous” would like you to believe he’s written a definitive or near academic study on the topic. But anyone who’s written an academic study – and I have – knows if it’s going to have any credibility, the author needs to mention secondary sources that might back up their hypothesis or, better yet, offer insight other than the one the author provides.
We only see this twice, once when Esther Perel, a Belgian-born psychotherapist, is mentioned with her book, State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, on page 36, and, again, with Johann Hari’s book, Last Days of the War on Drugs, where the author suggests that the root cause of adult drug addiction is due to childhood experiences, including abuse. Anonymous buys that argument, writing, “I believe the same notion drives infidelity: many people cheat partly because they’re in pain, usually due to experiences from before they were married, and having sex outside of their marriage helps soothe or block that pain.” (Page 53). While some of that might be true, it can’t all be true. The author fails to uncover other, much more profound reasons, why husbands and wives will have an affair.
Had he conducted a Google search, he would have likely found a few articles on the topic, including this one or that one, which many might find challenging to accept.
To think this book is a credible study on why married men and women stray is to acknowledge that this very difficult and challenging topic can be reduced to a limited number of subjects, the 61 married men and 12 married women he interviewed, hardly a scientific sample in a country that boasts more than 131 million married adults, according to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2021. I’m not suggesting his interviews aren’t legitimate. I’m suggesting he hasn’t done a thorough enough job.
Most political opinion polls include a sample set that’s between 500 to 1,000 people. Sometimes I’ve seen them in the 450 range. Political pollsters are also required to adjust their sample sets to make sure they reflect the country’s demographic profile. In Cheatingland, we have an author who interviewed whoever would speak to him. I’m not suggesting he could have found 450 people who would allow themselves to be interviewed about their affairs – but only 73? Really?
At best, this book offers surface level insight into why someone would risk their marriage and the wrath of family, friends, and coworkers for an intimate relationship with someone else, which is unfortunate. A book like this should be read not only by people who feel safe and secure in their marriages but also by those who aren’t and those, especially those, contemplating marriage. It’s no easy task to be married. A successful marriage requires making time for each other. It certainly demands that you not insult or threaten your partner, which happened to me. Your spouse is supposed to be your world, the one who brings you joy, satisfaction and fulfillment in a way no one else can.
The author admits it was a challenge to find people – because of the possible ramifications they might face if word got out about their confession – but that should have dissuaded him from making a bold suggestion: That those who cheat have one of five personality types, everything from the narcissist to someone called an “Emotional Connector.” The latter is described as someone in an emotional – not physical – affair.
The best observation about modern-day marriage came from someone who likely speaks for many, a married woman, named Kathy. She said, “’Yes, we have to be good at life management and family and finances and all the adulthood stuff, but where do blowjobs fit into the equation? I sure don’t know. In marriage, everyone’s too fucking tired to make an effort, and it can drive you insane when you think about how nice and easy your affair is.” (Page 112).
So, if we take Kathy at her word, if married men and women made more time for one another and the needs they share – physical, emotional, and mental stimulation – they’d remain happily married. But once their needs aren’t being met, or their partner refuses to satisfy their needs and/or desires, well then, all bets are off. As I see it, damn few married because they were looking forward to the day they lived in a sexless relationship with their spouse.
All too often the men in this book come across as cads. I'm sure many a married man who engages in an extramarital affair is one. But not every married man involved with another woman is in it just for the sex. Up until about three years ago, there were plenty of posts on Craigslist from married men seeking a profound relationship with another woman, whether she was married or not. What came through was his pain. He was seeking emotional comfort from another woman because his wife, as he saw it, wasn't available to him.
Then, there are the women. While "Anonymous" is far less judgmental about the women, the problem American society has is that it, all too often, it expects them to play one of two roles, a nun or a slut. She's a nun if she's married and has children and rarely, if ever, talks about sex. If she mentions she enjoys sex -- out loud to people she doesn't know -- she's judged harshly. For being someone who's easy. Despite going through the '60s and the women's movement, we still expect them to keep their sexual desires to themselves. In other words, we haven't progressed.
Other problems with the book include a lack of footnotes. There's also no bibliography. The fact that they don't exist makes the entire premise of the book questionable. It's as if the great thoughts and ideas come from the writer himself -- something that's hard to believe, especially since he claims to be a journalist.
In addition, what sort of journalist goes by "Anonymous"? Over the years, plenty of reporters have written stories using unnamed sources and kept their identities secret. The fact that the writer -- or journalist -- needed to use a pen name also detracts from book's credibility.
As I finished the book, I wondered who paid Simon & Schuster to get this book published. The entire thing comes across as a fraud.
Don’t buy this book. There are better ways to spend your money.
