Book Review: Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray

Hi Kate -- Here's a book review for you:

In some parts, I’m a philandering SOB, not worth the time of day.

 

This is because I admitted to having an affair. I wasn’t compelled or forced to confess. I just laid it all on the table one night, when I was talking privately with my wife about the status of our marriage.

 

As to why, well, there are many reasons, including being unappreciated, taken for granted, and, for several years, being verbally abused by her. 

 

Enough was enough, as far as I was concerned. I laid it on the line, not caring if she threw me out of the house.

 

But she didn’t.

 

Which made me wonder if she hadn’t racked up an affair or two by the time we had that talk.

 

My experience, and subsequent divorce, made me take notice of a book that was released in March, entitled, Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray, published by Simon & Schuster. The author is named “Anonymous,” and he’s described on Amazon.com as a journalist who “spent a decade investigating the topic of men and infidelity.” He’s married with three children.

 

“Anonymous” would like you to believe he’s written a definitive or near academic study on the topic. But anyone who’s written an academic study – and I have – knows if it’s going to have any credibility, the author needs to mention secondary sources that might back up their hypothesis or, better yet, offer insight other than the one the author provides. 

 

We only see this twice, once when Esther Perel, a Belgian-born psychotherapist, is mentioned with her book, State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, on page 36, and, again, with Johann Hari’s book, Last Days of the War on Drugs, where the author suggests that the root cause of adult drug addiction is due to childhood experiences, including abuse. Anonymous buys that argument, writing, “I believe the same notion drives infidelity: many people cheat partly because they’re in pain, usually due to experiences from before they were married, and having sex outside of their marriage helps soothe or block that pain.” (Page 53). While some of that might be true, it can’t all be true. The author fails to uncover other, much more profound reasons, why husbands and wives will have an affair. 

 

Had he conducted a Google search, he would have likely found a few articles on the topic, including this one or that one, which many might find challenging to accept.

 

To think this book is a credible study on why married men and women stray is to acknowledge that this very difficult and challenging topic can be reduced to a limited number of subjects, the 61 married men and 12 married women he interviewed, hardly a scientific sample in a country that boasts more than 131 million married adults, according to the U.S. Census Bureau in 2021. I’m not suggesting his interviews aren’t legitimate. I’m suggesting he hasn’t done a thorough enough job. 

 

Most political opinion polls include a sample set that’s between 500 to 1,000 people. Sometimes I’ve seen them in the 450 range. Political pollsters are also required to adjust their sample sets to make sure they reflect the country’s demographic profile. In Cheatingland, we have an author who interviewed whoever would speak to him. I’m not suggesting he could have found 450 people who would allow themselves to be interviewed about their affairs – but only 73? Really?

 

At best, this book offers surface level insight into why someone would risk their marriage and the wrath of family, friends, and coworkers for an intimate relationship with someone else, which is unfortunate. A book like this should be read not only by people who feel safe and secure in their marriages but also by those who aren’t and those, especially those, contemplating marriage. It’s no easy task to be married. A successful marriage requires making time for each other. It certainly demands that you not insult or threaten your partner, which happened to me. Your spouse is supposed to be your world, the one who brings you joy, satisfaction and fulfillment in a way no one else can. 

 

The author admits it was a challenge to find people – because of the possible ramifications they might face if word got out about their confession – but that should have dissuaded him from making a bold suggestion: That those who cheat have one of five personality types, everything from the narcissist to someone called an “Emotional Connector.” The latter is described as someone in an emotional – not physical – affair.

 

The best observation about modern-day marriage came from someone who likely speaks for many, a married woman, named Kathy. She said, “’Yes, we have to be good at life management and family and finances and all the adulthood stuff, but where do blowjobs fit into the equation? I sure don’t know. In marriage, everyone’s too fucking tired to make an effort, and it can drive you insane when you think about how nice and easy your affair is.” (Page 112). 

 

So, if we take Kathy at her word, if married men and women made more time for one another and the needs they share – physical, emotional, and mental stimulation – they’d remain happily married. But once their needs aren’t being met, or their partner refuses to satisfy their needs and/or desires, well then, all bets are off. As I see it, damn few married because they were looking forward to the day they lived in a sexless relationship with their spouse.

All too often the men in this book come across as cads. I'm sure many a married man who engages in an extramarital affair is one. But not every married man involved with another woman is in it just for the sex. Up until about three years ago, there were plenty of posts on Craigslist from married men seeking a profound relationship with another woman, whether she was married or not. What came through was his pain. He was seeking emotional comfort from another woman because his wife, as he saw it, wasn't available to him.

Then, there are the women. While "Anonymous" is far less judgmental about the women, the problem American society has is that it, all too often, it expects them to play one of two roles, a nun or a slut. She's a nun if she's married and has children and rarely, if ever, talks about sex. If she mentions she enjoys sex -- out loud to people she doesn't know -- she's judged harshly. For being someone who's easy.  Despite going through the '60s and the women's movement, we still expect them to keep their sexual desires to themselves. In other words, we haven't progressed.

Other problems with the book include a lack of footnotes. There's also no bibliography. The fact that they don't exist makes the entire premise of the book questionable. It's as if the great thoughts and ideas come from the writer himself -- something that's hard to believe, especially since he claims to be a journalist.

In addition, what sort of journalist goes by "Anonymous"? Over the years, plenty of reporters have written stories using unnamed sources and kept their identities secret. The fact that the writer -- or journalist -- needed to use a pen name also detracts from book's credibility.

As I finished the book, I wondered who paid Simon & Schuster to get this book published. The entire thing comes across as a fraud.

Don’t buy this book. There are better ways to spend your money.

Condemning extramarital affairs and explanation as to why they happen

The following article appeared in the London Financial Times. Bob's rebuttal follows. 

Let’s not be so laisse-faire about affairs

 

By Jo Ellison, (London) Financial Times columnist, published July 3, 2021

 

Should a man or woman’s extramarital entanglements be a factor when judging their professional proficiency? There seems to be an enormous reluctance to pass judgment on a colleague’s private life. In the thrill of excitement over Matt Hancock’s affair with aide Gina Coladangelo, his peers lined up to remind us that the man should only be censured for any professional impropriety, such as breaking lockdown rules or misappropriation of government funding. Few, if any, suggested that Boris Johnson should sack him because he’d been behaving like a douche. 

 

I’ve never understood the leniency we extend to philanderers and adulterers. There seems to be a commonly held belief that such lapses in our moral judgment have little bearing on our competence at work. On the contrary, I find a person’s sexual history to be the most telling thing about them. Surely one should need no further evidence of a person’s character than the fact they have been revealed to be cheating on their spouse. If they can tell bald-faced lies about their activities to their friends, family and children, what makes anyone think they can be trusted to do their job? 

 

But I take a very hardline view of adulterous behaviour, possibly owing to the strict Baptist fervour that spikes the family genes. True, I will delight in the sordid details of a bonkbuster tabloid scorcher, and eke out every column inch of detail, but I am also prone to overbearing sanctimony when discussing the repercussions, and will rarely consider forgiveness, even in the face of great remorse. Once a shit, always a shit, tends to be my verdict, though I’ve tried to be more open-minded, and have listened to all the podcasts by the psychotherapist Esther Perel.

 

While I may have the morals of a scandalised Victorian, the world’s attitude to infidelity has shifted to a far more generous point of view. According to the US General Social Survey, one in five men can be expected to cheat on their partners, with women not that far behind. In a 2016 survey by YouGov America it was revealed that more than a third of adults under 30 had engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their partner. Of these, just under half did so with their partner’s consent. 

 

But shouldn’t politicians try to tamp their baser feelings down? Even the most libertarian of judges regarding the former health minister’s imbroglio must see a transgression of the moral code to which he is supposed to have subscribed.

 

According to the Committee on Standards in Public Life, government ministers, like all public office holders, are supposed to adhere to the Nolan principles, seven Pollyanna-ish precepts that ministers are meant to hold in some esteem. Chief among them is the idea that they should be selfless, “acting solely in terms of the public interest”, while also showing integrity, objectivity, accountability, openness, leadership and honesty to boot. 

 

The ministerial code further instructs them to be “professional in all their dealings” and to have “proper and appropriate . . . working relationships”. Hancock clearly failed to tick those boxes. And yet despite the censure that surrounded his exposure, I was surprised by how many people considered his romantic indiscretion to be an adjacent issue that should have no bearing on his competence at work. 

 

It’s a strange time in which to embark on an extramarital adventure. While the sexual revolution has found us more licentious, trying to have an affair is actually far more complicated than it might seem. Dating apps and technology have made casual sex readily available but, as Hancock discovered, surveillance cameras and social media can leave one frightfully exposed. The camera phone has turned everyone into a paparazzo; a fruity text exchange on the dating app Raya can go viral if it gets into the wrong hands. Technology may have liberated us, but it has simultaneously made our lives transparent. It’s hard to be clandestine when your partner can track your every movement on their phone. 

 

Do our leaders have a responsibility to instill in us some moral vigour? As UK politics becomes mired in scandal, cronyism and corruption, one wonders whether we’re all being smeared in Tory sleaze. And perhaps it’s inevitable that infidelity is spiking when the culture has been stoked by a prime minister whose own career has been embellished by priapic lusts.

In May, we saw Boris Johnson marrying Carrie Symonds in a Roman Catholic ceremony at Westminster Cathedral, the first wedding to be undertaken by a prime minister while in office since 1822. This curiously awkward pantomime, in which Symonds was pictured barefoot next to her new husband, wearing a white dress inspired by “ancient Greek philosophy” and a flower crown, led one Twitter commentator to observe that the couple recalled a teenage schoolgirl being dropped off at the Coachella festival by her dad. Symonds’ relationship with Johnson reportedly began when he was married to Marina Wheeler, and she was the Conservatives’ head of communications. 

 

No wonder everybody’s at it. Unfaithfulness is this year’s hottest trend. Hancock must have assumed that his career would also be Teflon-coated. When the prime minister can only manage a glancing acknowledgment of the moral code of which he is supposed to be an exemplar, the lack of rectitude is bound to trickle down.

 

 

My rebuttal:

 

 

I don’t steal. I pay my taxes. I treat others as I wish to be treated, with honesty, respect, and fairness. I love my sons and helped one become an Eagle Scout and the other with his college application essays, which aided him in gaining acceptance into a top-tier university.

 

I was part of a carpool that diligently took them and another child to after school swim practices for a number of years. I took my boys to school each morning, often cleaned the house, did the laundry, went grocery shopping, made dinner, occasionally picked up my neighbor’s sons at school, made sure my younger son attended his band practices and saw his music tutor each week as well his ADHD counselor. I also took my sons to their medical, dental and orthodontal appointments – all the while working a full-time freelance job.

 

But for a decade or so, I was verbally and, at times, emotionally abused by my wife and it led me to an affair with a beautiful lady around my age (mid-50s), who provided me with the love and acceptance I so desperately needed and, I’ll add, the insight to realize I wasn’t the one with the problem. My wife was.

 

I’m not about to claim victim status or think anyone is going to understand my actions. There are too many people like you, Ms. Ellison, who think life is neat and tidy, black and white.

 

My separation and divorce came at a tremendous cost. It strained my relationship with my sons and banished me from a social circle I once enjoyed. 

 

It also restored my health and saved my life. No longer am I drinking to excess or feeling my heart pounding at 3 o’clock each afternoon because, in a matter of hours, my wife will be home. I’ve got my own place now. I would never have survived lockdown with her.

 

I certainly broke the vows I took before God, Jesus Christ and the many who attended our wedding.

 

But what do you do when your marriage is loveless, your spouse is abusive, and you feel trapped because the kids are too young? They needed a parent at home. In fact, they couldn’t have attended their many extracurricular activities which helped them become the great people they are unless I’d been home. I always thought it was important – and quite contrary to societal thinking – not to let them become what was once called, at least in the United States, latchkey kids.

 

I understand the scorn against those who’ve had affairs. There are plenty of married men engaging in them to add another notch to their belt just as there are some married women doing the same.

 

Not all affairs are similar, however.

 

There are those who were once like me – married and deserted and can’t talk about their lives without risking embarrassment, condemnation, and being shuttered and canceled by society and friends. We suffered in a lonely silence, filled with anxiety. Our spouses didn’t love us. They used us. They made us vulnerable to searching for a love that so many feel rightful about censuring.

 

Have you walked in my shoes? Do you know what it’s like to be insulted and undermined as a parent by your spouse, as I was? Is your heart big enough to understand why I did what I did?

 

You're right about public officials. They should be held to a higher standard but that once high barometer, at least in America, was tossed into the trash during President Clinton’s White House years. After all, it was only a … I’ll spare the vulgarity.

 

Sincerely,

 

Bob

Bob: The advantages of the older woman

Hi Kate –

I have two sons in their early teens.  They’re close in age and that provides challenges as well as many positive highlights, often simultaneously.  On the one hand, in a positive note, they have similar interests; on other hand, it sometimes means buying two of everything so they can enjoy the same toys and books without a fight over who gets what when.

 

If we’re out of town, it means we can take them to the tourist attractions and not worry which kid will be happy and which one won’t.  Dining is the same way.  We can go to a restaurant knowing they’ll each find something on the menu they’ll want to eat.

 

That doesn’t mean there aren’t the occasional disputes, which are often caused because they’re so close in age.  They want to get into each other’s personal space.  That said, we can play a video for them in the car during a long ride and, more often than not, they’ll both enjoy it.  

 

As for being dad, yes, I do enjoy it.  Truth be told, I love it.  It’s the most fulfilling part of my life.  I’m nurturing these two young boys to become the best adults they can be.  And that’s the way I’ve always viewed it.  I’m not raising children.  I’m bringing up future adults.  

 

I’m a stay-at-home dad.  My wife works full time in an office while I work part-time from the house.  It’s not the best situation but it allows one of us to get the kids to their doctor and dental appointments, take them to playdates and other activities, and, from time to time, be on hand to deal with contractors for various projects on the house.

 

As for love as you age, yes, I agree with you.  A lot of men my age – in their 50s – dismiss women their age for the hot 30-something.  It makes them feel young, I guess, virile, too, I suspect, especially when it comes to sexual matters.  

 

But, of course, it’s also demonstrates a shortcoming by men.  The relationship, the love, as they likely see it, is only as good as the coitus.  Frankly, what does that say to her?  He’s only with me as long as he can bang me?

 

I’m with you.  If you’re going to step out on your marriage, at our age, then there better be more to it than a transactional lay. There should be a profound emotional connection between two people before they become intimate. That probably puts me out of step with many of my male colleagues.

 

And let’s face it, the issues men face are similar to the ones women face, especially if we’re in our 50s.  She doesn’t lubricate like she did at 25.  He doesn’t become raging hard unless he’s helped along with “performance enhancing drugs,” to borrow a term from the MLB or NFL, like Viagra or Cialis.

 

Then there’s the issue of a connection beyond the fuck. Okay, so the 50-something guy bangs the 30-year-old. After the orgasm, what’s next? Sure there’s the occasional, rare woman that age who can hold her own in a conversation with a man 15- to 20- years her senior. But I suspect after the deed is done, there isn’t much to discuss or connect on.  

 

The advantage, as I see it, in having an affair with someone with whom you share the same age is that there are events you can discuss and cultural issues you can share.  From the Moon shot in the 1960s, for example, to where you were when President Reagan was shot, to music, television shows and movies, these things can help build a relationship.  And then, of course, there’s how you’re going to handle current challenges – ED, vaginal dryness, ageism, etc. – to how you’re going to manage future ones, among them retirement.

 

All of which is a roundabout way of saying talking is undervalued for too many men looking to notch a much younger woman. And it shouldn’t be. Because the best sex starts with a mental connection, which is why my fellow men would be better off seeking a woman their age.

 

I’ve been fortunate enough to have been to bed with married ladies my age and slightly older.  While I can’t compare it to having sex with a lady 15 or 20 years my junior – because I’ve never had that opportunity – they were very satisfying experiences.  A lot of it, I would say, had to do with our shared age or being in an age range that was close to each other.

 

I hope you’re having a great day.

 

Hugs, 

 

Bob 

Kate on Women's Fears

Hi Bob,

Hope all's well with you.

Your last note got me thinking about so many things.

Yes, men face many fears about sex as they age. But women face many fears, too.

Let's be blunt. I'm in my fifties, not my twenties. Things don't work the way they used to. Many women my age are menopausal, and that wreaks havoc on our bodies. Our sex drives are out of whack. Vaginal dryness is a very real issue. Our bodies don't look as great as they used to. A lot of men our age are interested in a thirty year-old, and they don't hesitate to let you know that. 

All of this combined can just leave a woman of a certain age feeling pretty unattractive and, well, unfuckable.

There is a positive side to sex at our age, too. I think it can be a more loving and joyful connection. We are generally more comfortable with our bodies and ourselves. Yes, our days of headboard banging sex are behind us, but it can be replaced with a genuine connection, especially in the confines of a committed, monogamous relationship. We don't have to worry about pregnancy, and we can focus more on our partners and ourselves. I think it's possible to have the most satisfying sex of our lives during these years.

Dan has decided he's not interested in taking ED drugs. He wants to try to deal with this naturally. 

I am relieved. I don't want to have sex with him. And I have a feeling he really doesn't want to have sex with me. How sad is that?

Tell me more about your kids. Do you like being a dad? 

Hugs,

Kate

Bob Replying to Kate on ED and Affairs

Hi Kate –

Men hold a lot of fear over sex, especially when their you-know-what hasn't been working properly.  Don't be fooled by the bravado.  Deep down inside every man is a scared little boy, even when they're in their 40s and 50s.  And this problem adds to their performance anxiety and the idea that every woman is looking for a 25-inch, hung-like-a-yak stud.

You can say all that you will that they shouldn't – that it's a medical thing that can be fixed – but the last thing any guy wants to do is see a doctor.  Especially for THAT!  

He'd rather die.

It took us two years to get pregnant.  Before putting my wife through any operations, I thought I better get myself checked out. Making the appointment was a bitch.  

"Why do you want to see the doctor?" the receptionist kept asking.  "I just want to have a private chat -- no more than 15 minutes.  Is that too difficult to arrange?"

I get into his examining room and I just blurted out the issue.  

"Well," the doctor said calmly, "we need to make sure you've got enough swimmers."  

Of course, that meant beating off in a cup.  Not at his office – Thank God! – but at another doctor's office that specialized in looking at that sort of thing.  The whole lead up to the event scared the bejesus out me.  Fortunately, it was a morning appointment, so I could get it over with. 

A hot Latina receptionist showed me the room where I was to, you know, and pointed out the cup for the you-know and the cupboard where it was to be placed.  After she left, I couldn't do a damn thing.  Plus the room was filled with lesbian porn, not exactly my interest.  In time, I did what needed to get done and left, more embarrassed than ever before.

Five days later, the doctor called, saying all was fine.  A month later, my wife was expecting.  So it all worked out.

So this is going to take a lot of love and understanding on your part.  I'm not suggesting it'll be easy.  I'm sure it will have its moments.  Just know your husband is holding a lot of demons about this.

As for affairs and FWB situations, I’m with you.  You can find something quick and transactional, and I’m sure there are a lot of men who are looking for that.  At least that’s what it seems.  But I’m with you.  I’m not interested in the affair because the affair all too often ends when the sex loses its spark.  

A relationship outside of the marriage, especially an intimate one, should be more than transactional.  At least that’s the way I see it.  I’m sure that puts me at odds with many who’ve had affairs or think they know what affairs are like.  But if I can’t have an emotional and mental connection with someone – that chemistry, if you will – I prefer to be alone.

I hope you’re having a great day.  As for me, lots of work -- professional and personal -- that needs to be completed.

I love our correspondence.

Hugs,

Bob 

Kate on ED and the Sexless Marriage

Hi Bob –

Hope you had a good weekend, and you got to do some fun things.

This morning, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexless marriage and especially, my husband’s ED. (How's that for an opener? LOL.)

We haven’t had sex for about eight years. He’s diabetic, overweight, and doesn’t take very good care of himself. Other than an occasional hug and kiss, we share no intimacy. I haven’t truly resented it until recently. (Of course, that may be due to the fact that my lover is now gone, and I have no sexual outlet anymore. Who knows?)

I’ve tried to address this and get Dan to deal with it. His response? He’s given me “permission” to go outside our marriage to fulfill my needs. And, in an interesting twist, he’s going to the doctor this week to see what can be done, although he has refused in the past to try ED medication. (I think this is more to placate me and less about him truly being interested in having sex with me).

As you can imagine, my emotions are all over the place.

None of us gets married saying, “Gee, I can hardly wait for the day this turns platonic and we stop having sex!” Sex is part of the marriage compact, and it’s pretty selfish to ask your partner to live without it. I believe Dan genuinely loves and cares for me and wants me to be happy, and I think that’s why he’s given me the green light to go outside to meet my needs. I think he wants our marriage to continue, even if it means we live in an open situation, or a “don’t ask/don’t tell” scenario. (Yes, I have also told him he has my “permission” to go elsewhere, too).

But part of me also feels deeply hurt. It feels like he’s abdicating his spousal duties. I feel like I’m being outsourced. I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. I feel unattractive and unfuckable. I’m not even worth trying to fix this? Am I that disposable?

The sad part is, even if Dan fixed this, things are so far gone that I no longer find him attractive. I don’t think I could even perform. Honestly, I find the idea a bit repellent. And I don’t want him to just go through the motions or do something he truly doesn’t want to do.

I can only imagine how tough this must be for Dan and any man who goes through it. He must feel emasculated. He probably feels like something has been taken from him, and he feels the loss keenly.

My life would be much easier if I were someone who could be in a FWB situation, or just have sex without getting attached. But that’s not who I am. I need a mental and emotional connection with my partner. (Well, at the very least, a mental one. Have you ever heard the term sapiosexual? It’s being sexually attracted to someone by intelligence. That fits me to a T.) But I can’t do a FWB thing, and I’m not over my last lover yet. I really don’t want to have another affair, because it’s just way too painful. I’m not looking to end my marriage at this time, but I also don’t see the sexual situation changing with it. It occurs to me that I may very well be facing the rest of my life with no sex. That makes me incredibly sad. I could live with that if I were in my advanced years. I’m only in my early fifties, though, and hopefully have a lot of living left to do. And, frankly, masturbation just isn’t going to cut it for me.

Ugh.

Thanks for listening. I know I’ve heaped a lot on you. What’s on tap for today?

Hugs,

Kate

Bob on Marriage, Judgment and Affairs

Hi Kate --

It sounds like it's been a challenge with your husband, his ED issues, the late wife and his daughters, one of whom passed away.  Years ago, when I was involved with a lady about 10 years my senior, she told me you don't know love until you hold your own baby.  I think she was right.  Not that you can't love someone if you never have children; but the love a parent for a child is so very, very different.  

My kids have brought me to tears over their accomplishments and deep and profound worries when things aren't going well at school, which, fortunately, doesn't happen often.  

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a son or a daughter.  I don't think you ever really recover from it.  It stays with you forever, like a lingering cloud.

As for me, I met my wife in high school, nearly 40 years ago.  We were in the same crowd and didn't date until later.  It was a long-distance relationship for years.  To make a long story short, we moved to Indianapolis and stayed there, marrying and having children before coming to New England.

When I started posting on CL – because our intimate life was dead in the water – I was looking for a nice married lady for an FWB situation.  In time, I met a 40-something married nurse.  She was on her second marriage and had two adult daughters from her first.  We lasted about 18 months.  We went for walks or met for coffee and, from time to time, become intimate.  She was hardly anyone's idea of magazine cover but truly amazing on all things intimate.  I loved going down on her, and she introduced me to rimming.  So I rimmed her too.  She would moan and groan while I teased her clit with my fingers.

Then, one afternoon, she announced she was moving to Seattle and wanted me to go with her.  One of her daughters had a baby and the situation with the boy’s father was uncertain.  They weren't married and she was very worried about both her daughter and grandson.  But my kids were very young, 4 and 3, and I couldn't do it.  So we broke up.  As much as it hurt me, I understood her decision to move.  

The next lady was 10 years my senior and an empty nester with her husband.  She told stories about blowing him on a Friday night in the kitchen and not getting much of a response.  Of course, this was after the kids were out of the house.  We lasted about six months.   

I've dated a few married ladies, and the 70-year-old I mentioned earlier was a widow.  I liked her but she made it clear she was looking for something much more permanent.  So in spite of the fact that we had sex a few times – she always wanted me to find her 'g' spot, which I did – I couldn't really think of why we should go on.  It felt like I was a temporary solution.  That said, I appreciated her honesty.

I hear what you're saying about relationships.  They're so emotionally draining that when you break up, you often don't want to become involved with someone else.  If my wife and I ever divorce, I think I'll be more inclined to be "partners" with someone but not necessarily husband and wife.

I was recently dating a 60-year-old married lady.  I really liked her but we only made love once and shortly after our first time together, her husband died.  It was all very unexpected and she and her daughter sued the hospital for wrongful death.  She's got a lot on her plate and is very much mourning the loss of her husband even though when he was alive, there wasn't much of a relationship.  I suspect now she’s mourning the relationship they didn’t have.

But I understand.  And I told her so.  

The problem with the friend on the side is that they make demands.  And who can blame them?  That's what all relationships are about.  No one enters a relationship – marriage, FWB or other – with the idea their needs will go unsatisfied.  

As for the current situation with married couples, I suspect there are many unhappy ones.  The difference now, compared to 40 years ago, is the internet.  It's facilitated hookups and makes marriage that much more difficult to sustain.  It's way too easy to find someone.  If you attend enough kid events and listen closely to what wives and husbands say and don’t say to each other, you learn not everyone is happy being married.  

I had dinner with a high school buddy a few nights ago, which was great fun.  He went through a very rough divorce and has since remarried. 

Yesterday, I took our younger son out to play golf and attend to a few errands.  It was all fun.  We had some people over last night for dinner.

Thank you for your kind words.  You sound like someone who lives out loud.  That's great.  I love the way you express yourself.  I appreciate your honesty.  We live in tricky times.  

Hope you're well.

Hugs,

Bob