Hi Kate --
It sounds like it's been a challenge with your husband, his ED issues, the late wife and his daughters, one of whom passed away. Years ago, when I was involved with a lady about 10 years my senior, she told me you don't know love until you hold your own baby. I think she was right. Not that you can't love someone if you never have children; but the love a parent for a child is so very, very different.
My kids have brought me to tears over their accomplishments and deep and profound worries when things aren't going well at school, which, fortunately, doesn't happen often.
I can't imagine what it's like to lose a son or a daughter. I don't think you ever really recover from it. It stays with you forever, like a lingering cloud.
As for me, I met my wife in high school, nearly 40 years ago. We were in the same crowd and didn't date until later. It was a long-distance relationship for years. To make a long story short, we moved to Indianapolis and stayed there, marrying and having children before coming to New England.
When I started posting on CL – because our intimate life was dead in the water – I was looking for a nice married lady for an FWB situation. In time, I met a 40-something married nurse. She was on her second marriage and had two adult daughters from her first. We lasted about 18 months. We went for walks or met for coffee and, from time to time, become intimate. She was hardly anyone's idea of magazine cover but truly amazing on all things intimate. I loved going down on her, and she introduced me to rimming. So I rimmed her too. She would moan and groan while I teased her clit with my fingers.
Then, one afternoon, she announced she was moving to Seattle and wanted me to go with her. One of her daughters had a baby and the situation with the boy’s father was uncertain. They weren't married and she was very worried about both her daughter and grandson. But my kids were very young, 4 and 3, and I couldn't do it. So we broke up. As much as it hurt me, I understood her decision to move.
The next lady was 10 years my senior and an empty nester with her husband. She told stories about blowing him on a Friday night in the kitchen and not getting much of a response. Of course, this was after the kids were out of the house. We lasted about six months.
I've dated a few married ladies, and the 70-year-old I mentioned earlier was a widow. I liked her but she made it clear she was looking for something much more permanent. So in spite of the fact that we had sex a few times – she always wanted me to find her 'g' spot, which I did – I couldn't really think of why we should go on. It felt like I was a temporary solution. That said, I appreciated her honesty.
I hear what you're saying about relationships. They're so emotionally draining that when you break up, you often don't want to become involved with someone else. If my wife and I ever divorce, I think I'll be more inclined to be "partners" with someone but not necessarily husband and wife.
I was recently dating a 60-year-old married lady. I really liked her but we only made love once and shortly after our first time together, her husband died. It was all very unexpected and she and her daughter sued the hospital for wrongful death. She's got a lot on her plate and is very much mourning the loss of her husband even though when he was alive, there wasn't much of a relationship. I suspect now she’s mourning the relationship they didn’t have.
But I understand. And I told her so.
The problem with the friend on the side is that they make demands. And who can blame them? That's what all relationships are about. No one enters a relationship – marriage, FWB or other – with the idea their needs will go unsatisfied.
As for the current situation with married couples, I suspect there are many unhappy ones. The difference now, compared to 40 years ago, is the internet. It's facilitated hookups and makes marriage that much more difficult to sustain. It's way too easy to find someone. If you attend enough kid events and listen closely to what wives and husbands say and don’t say to each other, you learn not everyone is happy being married.
I had dinner with a high school buddy a few nights ago, which was great fun. He went through a very rough divorce and has since remarried.
Yesterday, I took our younger son out to play golf and attend to a few errands. It was all fun. We had some people over last night for dinner.
Thank you for your kind words. You sound like someone who lives out loud. That's great. I love the way you express yourself. I appreciate your honesty. We live in tricky times.
Hope you're well.
Hugs,
Bob
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