Hi Bob –
Hope you had a good weekend, and you got to do some fun things.
This morning, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexless marriage and especially, my husband’s ED. (How's that for an opener? LOL.)
We haven’t had sex for about eight years. He’s diabetic, overweight, and doesn’t take very good care of himself. Other than an occasional hug and kiss, we share no intimacy. I haven’t truly resented it until recently. (Of course, that may be due to the fact that my lover is now gone, and I have no sexual outlet anymore. Who knows?)
I’ve tried to address this and get Dan to deal with it. His response? He’s given me “permission” to go outside our marriage to fulfill my needs. And, in an interesting twist, he’s going to the doctor this week to see what can be done, although he has refused in the past to try ED medication. (I think this is more to placate me and less about him truly being interested in having sex with me).
As you can imagine, my emotions are all over the place.
None of us gets married saying, “Gee, I can hardly wait for the day this turns platonic and we stop having sex!” Sex is part of the marriage compact, and it’s pretty selfish to ask your partner to live without it. I believe Dan genuinely loves and cares for me and wants me to be happy, and I think that’s why he’s given me the green light to go outside to meet my needs. I think he wants our marriage to continue, even if it means we live in an open situation, or a “don’t ask/don’t tell” scenario. (Yes, I have also told him he has my “permission” to go elsewhere, too).
But part of me also feels deeply hurt. It feels like he’s abdicating his spousal duties. I feel like I’m being outsourced. I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. I feel unattractive and unfuckable. I’m not even worth trying to fix this? Am I that disposable?
The sad part is, even if Dan fixed this, things are so far gone that I no longer find him attractive. I don’t think I could even perform. Honestly, I find the idea a bit repellent. And I don’t want him to just go through the motions or do something he truly doesn’t want to do.
I can only imagine how tough this must be for Dan and any man who goes through it. He must feel emasculated. He probably feels like something has been taken from him, and he feels the loss keenly.
My life would be much easier if I were someone who could be in a FWB situation, or just have sex without getting attached. But that’s not who I am. I need a mental and emotional connection with my partner. (Well, at the very least, a mental one. Have you ever heard the term sapiosexual? It’s being sexually attracted to someone by intelligence. That fits me to a T.) But I can’t do a FWB thing, and I’m not over my last lover yet. I really don’t want to have another affair, because it’s just way too painful. I’m not looking to end my marriage at this time, but I also don’t see the sexual situation changing with it. It occurs to me that I may very well be facing the rest of my life with no sex. That makes me incredibly sad. I could live with that if I were in my advanced years. I’m only in my early fifties, though, and hopefully have a lot of living left to do. And, frankly, masturbation just isn’t going to cut it for me.
Ugh.
Thanks for listening. I know I’ve heaped a lot on you. What’s on tap for today?
Hugs,
Kate
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