Bob: The advantages of the older woman

Hi Kate –

I have two sons in their early teens.  They’re close in age and that provides challenges as well as many positive highlights, often simultaneously.  On the one hand, in a positive note, they have similar interests; on other hand, it sometimes means buying two of everything so they can enjoy the same toys and books without a fight over who gets what when.

 

If we’re out of town, it means we can take them to the tourist attractions and not worry which kid will be happy and which one won’t.  Dining is the same way.  We can go to a restaurant knowing they’ll each find something on the menu they’ll want to eat.

 

That doesn’t mean there aren’t the occasional disputes, which are often caused because they’re so close in age.  They want to get into each other’s personal space.  That said, we can play a video for them in the car during a long ride and, more often than not, they’ll both enjoy it.  

 

As for being dad, yes, I do enjoy it.  Truth be told, I love it.  It’s the most fulfilling part of my life.  I’m nurturing these two young boys to become the best adults they can be.  And that’s the way I’ve always viewed it.  I’m not raising children.  I’m bringing up future adults.  

 

I’m a stay-at-home dad.  My wife works full time in an office while I work part-time from the house.  It’s not the best situation but it allows one of us to get the kids to their doctor and dental appointments, take them to playdates and other activities, and, from time to time, be on hand to deal with contractors for various projects on the house.

 

As for love as you age, yes, I agree with you.  A lot of men my age – in their 50s – dismiss women their age for the hot 30-something.  It makes them feel young, I guess, virile, too, I suspect, especially when it comes to sexual matters.  

 

But, of course, it’s also demonstrates a shortcoming by men.  The relationship, the love, as they likely see it, is only as good as the coitus.  Frankly, what does that say to her?  He’s only with me as long as he can bang me?

 

I’m with you.  If you’re going to step out on your marriage, at our age, then there better be more to it than a transactional lay. There should be a profound emotional connection between two people before they become intimate. That probably puts me out of step with many of my male colleagues.

 

And let’s face it, the issues men face are similar to the ones women face, especially if we’re in our 50s.  She doesn’t lubricate like she did at 25.  He doesn’t become raging hard unless he’s helped along with “performance enhancing drugs,” to borrow a term from the MLB or NFL, like Viagra or Cialis.

 

Then there’s the issue of a connection beyond the fuck. Okay, so the 50-something guy bangs the 30-year-old. After the orgasm, what’s next? Sure there’s the occasional, rare woman that age who can hold her own in a conversation with a man 15- to 20- years her senior. But I suspect after the deed is done, there isn’t much to discuss or connect on.  

 

The advantage, as I see it, in having an affair with someone with whom you share the same age is that there are events you can discuss and cultural issues you can share.  From the Moon shot in the 1960s, for example, to where you were when President Reagan was shot, to music, television shows and movies, these things can help build a relationship.  And then, of course, there’s how you’re going to handle current challenges – ED, vaginal dryness, ageism, etc. – to how you’re going to manage future ones, among them retirement.

 

All of which is a roundabout way of saying talking is undervalued for too many men looking to notch a much younger woman. And it shouldn’t be. Because the best sex starts with a mental connection, which is why my fellow men would be better off seeking a woman their age.

 

I’ve been fortunate enough to have been to bed with married ladies my age and slightly older.  While I can’t compare it to having sex with a lady 15 or 20 years my junior – because I’ve never had that opportunity – they were very satisfying experiences.  A lot of it, I would say, had to do with our shared age or being in an age range that was close to each other.

 

I hope you’re having a great day.

 

Hugs, 

 

Bob 

Kate on Women's Fears

Hi Bob,

Hope all's well with you.

Your last note got me thinking about so many things.

Yes, men face many fears about sex as they age. But women face many fears, too.

Let's be blunt. I'm in my fifties, not my twenties. Things don't work the way they used to. Many women my age are menopausal, and that wreaks havoc on our bodies. Our sex drives are out of whack. Vaginal dryness is a very real issue. Our bodies don't look as great as they used to. A lot of men our age are interested in a thirty year-old, and they don't hesitate to let you know that. 

All of this combined can just leave a woman of a certain age feeling pretty unattractive and, well, unfuckable.

There is a positive side to sex at our age, too. I think it can be a more loving and joyful connection. We are generally more comfortable with our bodies and ourselves. Yes, our days of headboard banging sex are behind us, but it can be replaced with a genuine connection, especially in the confines of a committed, monogamous relationship. We don't have to worry about pregnancy, and we can focus more on our partners and ourselves. I think it's possible to have the most satisfying sex of our lives during these years.

Dan has decided he's not interested in taking ED drugs. He wants to try to deal with this naturally. 

I am relieved. I don't want to have sex with him. And I have a feeling he really doesn't want to have sex with me. How sad is that?

Tell me more about your kids. Do you like being a dad? 

Hugs,

Kate