How We Met by Bob

I was a married man in my early fifties when early one morning I came across some misogynistic posts on Craigslist. I’m not one to take up people’s causes, but the insults toward women, whether married, single, or divorced, was beyond the pale.  A response was in order, and I wrote the following:

“I’ve met more than 10 married women on CL. I haven’t been to bed with all of them but anyone who judges people who are married and having intimate affairs outside of their marriage isn’t aware of all the nuances that keep a marriage strong and thriving.

"It’s easy to see marriage as an agreement between two people, sanctioned sometimes by a church and always by the state and local government, as something unbreakable. And probably it should be, especially when children arrive.

"But the great tragedy in marriage is that both sides, especially if it’s a long-term relationship, often take the other for granted. So that the time they used to spend working on the relationship — investing in it whether it was buying gifts, leaving love letters, going out to dinner or being intimate — disappears. And the partner who feels the loss the most sometimes becomes the one posting here or on another dating site.

"It’s easy to judge that person as ruining their marriage, breaking their vows, and living against God.

"But what about the other partner who isn’t investing in the relationship? What’s their level of responsibility?

"To me, neither side is guilt-free. Both partners own the relationship, and either it works or fails. Either both partners feel satisfied, loved, admired, respected, and longed-for, or they don’t. And if one of them doesn’t, they’re vulnerable to searching for someone else who will meet their emotional, mental, and physical needs.

"The married women I’ve met were all over 40 and in lengthy marriages. They came here as a last resort because their needs were unfulfilled.

"I’m not sure it’s possible to have an honest conversation about marriage. It’s too easy to be harsh and judgmental. Plus today’s technology makes it easy to mentally leave a spouse while still being married to them. Perhaps those of us who are married need to work it harder for the sake of society, especially the children.

"Just my two cents.”

A day or so after it went up, I received a number of responses, some of which were crude, understanding, and one which was quite empathetic. The response with the most empathy and sympathy sparked a relationship that continues today. Ours is a 21st-century love story.